Tom Brady has stayed out of the spotlight since his retirement, weighing his options for the future and enjoying life without the rigorous schedule of an NFL quarterback. One offer for nearly $500 million from woke brand Nike is definitely off the table

“I don’t do the woke thing,” said Brady, “I like to keep to myself and count the money I already have.”

According to our financial department, his theory is probably sound. “If he were to go woke,” said Senior Financialist Joe Barron, “He would likely go broke, as so many before him have.”

That’s true, patriots. Just look at some of the failures of last year. Garth Brooks. Broke. Bud Light. Broke. The NFL. Broke. All of these things were doing just fine and now they’re on their way out, all because of silly woke ideologies.

‘That’s actually not true,” said ALLOD Fiscalator Tara Newhole, “None of those are even remotely broke. Anheuser Busch increased profits in 2023 by a billion dollars. The NFL continues to pack stadiums and woo advertisers. Garth Brooks doesn’t care what any of the meemaws think and has $400 million. I think the message here is ‘go woke get a bunch od headlines written about you so potatoes can have their confirmation bias.’ It’s a bit silly at this point.”

Tara always has great insight, right around the fifth paragraph. For some reason.

Thank you, Tom Brady, for lending your name to this hyperbolic headline. We’ll always love you for it. God Bless America.